Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time