Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.