Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
incredible
