Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.