ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?