ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
what?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside