ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
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[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again