Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Assassin.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Have a lovely day 😊

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.