Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
so this horse walks into a bar
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend