Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

normalize having existential bread

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.