Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biological clock is wheezing.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?