Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman