Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”