Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Rambo Rambow

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

That’s no pocket rocket.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Need this in my life lol

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer