Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.