Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My Plans 2020
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*