Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

The legends were true

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.