Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
The pen is writier than the sword.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.