Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet