Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Why are bridges so flammable.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.