Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

couldn’t resist

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

Think I pulled my liver

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.