Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.