Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.