Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

😂😭

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

don’t we all