Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!