Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”