Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.