The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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mom gave me mine for free
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Guantanamo Bae
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.