me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.