Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

how to exercise your calf muscles

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.