Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.