Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

This is my favorite one of these!

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.