Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.