Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
lmfao
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*seductively eats two tums*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet