Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec

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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess


[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant


My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.


I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.


911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back


You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it


Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”


She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.


[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”