beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo