Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
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“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?