@QuotingJokes

Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec

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@iMonkGreen

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

@HTXBlonde

“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”

@Thateverydayguy

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

@JasonLastname

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@Birdhumms

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?