Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec

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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?


“It’s funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it’s your rear view mirror flashing behind you.”


Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”


1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.


The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned


My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.


Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?