Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.