Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.