Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.