Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.