Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

“I took care of your clown problem.”

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

me when the borders lift

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball