Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Note to self: always read the final line

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*