Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Put the is in disheveled
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Many hands make light work
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now