ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Perfect.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Lassie, get help!
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
A great tip. #CakeRex
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*