ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)