Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd