@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

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@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@causticbob

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@kibblesmith

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

@philco816

There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

@brendohare

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

@jan_rtr

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

@ProdigyNelson

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd