Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

She was rare, like a goth jogging

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

You sure about that?

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good