Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

If snakes were wide

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Seems legit

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*