Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.