Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
![]()
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
![]()
![]()
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck