Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

love it when they get my name right

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE