Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

due date

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Thanks to a fan for this one!

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.