Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
my first day as a raccoon
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.