Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🚲+physics = winner

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

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HEYYYY MACARENA

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.