Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

shampoo implies shampee

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

me when somebody idk start touching me

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”