Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Orange cat behavior 😂

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow