Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

welp

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong