ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.