Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”