Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

RT if you could go either way.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”