Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good