Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
He a real one for that
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*