Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying