Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings