Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

🫶

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Hey i am sexy to you now

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him