Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke