Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

this was the best i’ve ever seen

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.