Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶