Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

jesus christ confetti not now

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.