Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.