Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.