Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

getting old is fun

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.