Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

I don’t think my car can fly

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.