Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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Have kids, they said
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.