Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Why I divorced her.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.