Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.