ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
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Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
that de-escalated quickly