Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

oh no, steve’s working tonight

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”