Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Previously On Persistence 😎

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.